My God, has this been an adventure of emotional highs and lows.

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first:

1. We got the results of Oliver’s full limb biopsy back: stage three soft tissue sarcoma. The diagnosis was due to the over 50% level of necrosis in the tissue. Interestingly enough, absent that, it wouldn’t have been marked as high because other indicators don’t suggest as much and it was deeply, deeply embedded in the muscle. However, it appears his injury four months ago may have released a demon. On one hand, there’s a degree of relief in regards to the guilt over amputation because we were going to end up here, anyway. On the other, there’s a whole new level of guilt because I really believed he wasn’t hurting terribly during all this time and…well. Regardless, the tumor is obviously out and the risk of spread, as I understand it is quite low. Not zero, but low. We’re still deciding what if anything to do next but after all he’s been through and being that he’s showing no other clinical signs, I don’t know that I’m in favor of further treatment. I want him to be happy and himself and not going through the hell of radiation or chemo or whatever because it “could”.

The Eh:

1. We went in for his incision/bandage check yesterday and they said the top stitches are healing really well, but a few lower are…eh. They gave us ten more days of antibiotics. His fluid has become this weird sludge-y stuff (which I guess is good? Because this is the stuff that eventually scabs?) Anyway, as of Wednesday, we will be going entirely bandage free save the tee-shirt. I am exceedingly anxious about this – I think I have my own PTSD from what happened with the biopsy wound (though the Doc tells me that with all that was happening in his forearm with the tumor and necrosis, it never had a chance and was likely always going to good boom. So…eh.
2. Today seems like a low day for him. He’s a tad restless as to position and quieter. Which makes me worry like crazy but the Doc keeps reminding me these things aren’t linear and to not freak about days when he’s maybe not feelings his strongest and brightest.
3. He’s currently on more meds than I am, lol. Gabapentin, Rimadyl, Trazodone, Amantadine, Cefopodoxime Proxetil.

Okay, now for something better:

1. Last week, I was a tad concerned about his intermittent yelps. After researching the board for awhile, it seemed to be leaning me away from stitches and towards phantom limb pain. He was already on Gabapentin but one of the interviews talked about higher dosages and then dropping down. So I asked the Doc if I could move Oliver up to 300×3 a day. Since then, almost no yelping (a rare one when he gets up after he’s been down for a very long nap but I think that’s just being a little bit staff and it’s always super short).
2. He’s tolerating the inflatable blue cone. He hates it like mad but he’s tolerating it. Mostly because he hasn’t figured out how to work his arm balance to get his remaining paw up and under it, but I’ll take it. Even if he looks at me super pathetically the whole time.

Clothing-wise (this remains a lol for me), I’ve been using the PetLife shirts because they’re thin and sleek and fit to his torso or around his bandages without creating a hang-down which can trip him up. And they come in some interesting color designs.

And perhaps some of the crazy:

1. I know he’s been feeling a bit better because a few days ago, I ran up the stairs to check on the puppy and from behind me, heard this click-click-click noise. Turned around and to my shock, he’d half-climbed the stairs to the landing. And was wagging his tail. Sigh.
2. Pill pockets remain a god-send. But I’ve learned how to reduce the caloric take of so many but breaking up one into many wraps. The Milk Bone pill pockets work best for this because they’re sizable and can take three Gabapentin pills and a Rimadyl (non flavored). This is wildly helpful if for no other reason than that they remove the stress from having to force pills down his throat, and they’re a treat.

Considering where we are, I think we’re in pretty good shape. It’s my anxiety and frustration and worry that makes me overthink everything, I’m sure. The fear that I’m missing something. Every tiny set back making me fearful we are about to hit a massive regression. The last four months were a lot of points of feeling like we were hitting a turning point and then getting snapped around so I keep looking for it. But, I keep reminding myself that Oliver is in the moment right now. He has quieter days but he seems very much like himself once again.

So first things first, obviously, heal the wound and get through this part, but I’ve also been researching supplements and trying to figure out what the best ones for him going forward will be. There’s so many and it’s hard to get a handle on what would be best.

This really has been the wildest pet experience of my many, many years of having these babies in my life. I can see why so many owners report feeling like their bond is even closer and tighter. Tho some days, I wonder if he blames me for all the discomfort and pain he’s gone through and to a degree, still is. He’s making it around so wonderfully well on three paws but then we hit days like today and…I dunno.

But look, let’s end this on an upswing –  my beautiful, brave boy:

So, last night was the 1 week mark since Oliver’s amputation surgery. He’s doing better than I could have expected, but as always, I am wary.

Because his last injury turned so hard on us…

But, in the spirit of keeping positive energy, some thoughts:

-My ten year old loves her Ollie and her Ollie loves her.

-Since moving him off Tramadol, the change in his personality has been huge. He still gets tired rapidly and he’s not terribly active but his eyes are bright and for the first time since his leg started getting really bad in around mid July, I’m starting to see my boy again.

-Thank God for pill pockets; I know they are a lot of extra calories but these pills won’t be long term and they’re keeping from having to add more stress to his day for the numerous times I have to give him meds.

-On Friday, they took his bandages off and told us the incision looked great. Friday night, it was leaking enough to freak me out. So we vet-wrapped it and took him in in the morning. Our doc came out, said everything looks good, but yeah, he was gonna leak for awhile. Because of how compulsive a licker he is, and how agitated he gets when he’s wet or sticky, we decided to re-bandage him with compression bandages and have him come back in every two days for a check and re-bandage. This has mostly worked out really well. It’s all but stopped the aggressive licking except for near end of life for the bandages. There’s also the stitch closer to his next which tends to dribble out a bit over the bandages when he moves around. That’s also the one area I have to be careful about not accidentally touching because he yelps.

-Speaking of yelping, he’s only done it four times in his first week, and every time, my heart crashes. But then he’s all love again and not showing any real signs of being hurt so I guess he’s okay. I continue to notice that he seems just fine with sleeping on the side of the incision and only shows discomfort (occasionally) when he has to figure a way up from this position. Last night, for the first time since surgery, he insisted on being under the blankets. These are infinitely small things in the big picture, I’m sure, but for me they’re massive steps.

-Yesterday, at the vet, when we got there, the first thing he did was give me a heart attack by jumping up and putting his paws on the counter. He’s figured out that part of balance really well. He’s still struggling with depth perception in regards to how close he is to an edge now that he lacks the counter balance to stop himself from falling. I have been trying to pad around him with pillows when he’s up on something like the couch (which he insists on being on) so that he can feel a barrier behind him which will hopefully keep him from toppling over.

-There’s still some indication of pain at night, but it feels mostly under control to me, and I’m not sure the difference between 90-95% pain controlled is worth it for the 120% stoned and anxious he is when he’s on Tramadol.

-One small visual bummer for me: yesterday, he got up and put his leg out to start a downward dog stretch and then stopped halfway like he remembered he can’t plant and do that, anymore. I guess we all have some adjustments to old familiarities to make.

-They sent his amputated arm to the lab for a full work-up; it’ll probably be two weeks until we can figure exactly what it was that made it swell four months ago and then never release. To this day and many diagnostics, we still don’t have a clue. Hopefully, it no longer matters.

All in all, better than I’d feared but lots of road still ahead of us. Proud of my boy, though, for how strong and resilient he is.

Whelp, the day almost ended well enough.

Almost…and then one of our old villains showed up.

See, Ollie doesn’t tolerate the cone of shame particularly well. He tries to paw it off (or at least he did before – I guess we haven’t tried it since, but his now gone paw wasn’t particularly working then so it must be the same thing) and I’m always terrified he’s going to strangle himself. And being that it’s often used when I’m sleeping…well, my anxiety tends to ramp hard. Anyway, that was an issue during his biopsy healing because he was frantic about trying to get to his injury and just about nothing I did could stop him from getting to it unless it was wrapped and inside a sleeve or some kind of other protector – like double layers to stop his constant lick attacks.

Now, we have this massive stitch farm and today, much to my chagrin, they felt like it was okay to unwrap it. And tonight, Ollie saddled himself right on his side and promptly licked right through the tee-shirt he was wearing and got himself a nice little stream of – well, it’s not blood exactly so much as seepage I didn’t want to see caused by him licking it. So now he’s wearing two shirts and a soft cone (which he’s only tolerating because of his night drugs).

I guess I’ll take him back in tomorrow and plead with them to put the bandages back on. Because maybe this is easier or simpler when the dog is willing to tolerate anything that will stop him but my boy won’t. I need some help on this front otherwise he’s never going to heal this wound and I’m kind of terrified.

I just want him to be okay and I can’t seem to get in front of this.

Anyway, other stuff from the day:

-We changed out his Tramadol for Amantadine and I learned what a compounding pharmacy is.

-He started the day very slow but as we worked into it, found himself more. He was willing to get up several times and wander through the room and showed some of his old self. LOL, considering all of the above, maybe I don’t want his old self while I’m trying to get this infernal wound healed.

-More KONG antics – tho I really wish there was a more TriPawd accessible one.

-No poop today but I’d bet that’s the brief return to the Tramadol.

-He started using the raised water bowl; so did his brothers. Dorks.

One interesting thing I’ve noticed is that when he’s lying on his front side instead of one of the two sides, he tends to not be able to doze off unless there’s a pillow under his head (though as shown below, he seems to prefer the pillow regardless, but a necessity forward). I wonder if that’s because he was so used to using his paws as a pillow or what else, but once I put it there, he’s out.

Anyway, I’m fairly certain the vet is sick to death of me and thinks I’m incompetent being I can’t seem to keep him off his sutures. Hopefully, they don’t fight me on keeping it bandaged up.

This part of the adventure, I could really do without.

As I’m typing this, it’s thundering like crazy. Ollie is, thankfully, as always oblivious to it.

Today wasn’t our strongest day.

No really new wins, but no major losses so that’s something.

A few observations:

-Last night, he was pretty restless, wouldn’t really settle. I’d pulled him off the Tramadol because it zonks him and makes him pant and go glassy eyed but he was clearly in pain so I put him back on it while I worked with the vet to get it adjusted (she was in surgery most of the day so I ended up finally working with another doctor on staff). Tomorrow, we will pick up Amantadine instead.

-Honestly, the lethargic, lack of real motivation is so difficult for me to see. Ollie’s never been the most energetic boy, but he tends to watch people all day. Observe and look for openings to be his devilish self. Today, he mostly just existed. Nothing really bad, but just kind of was…stoned.

-As far as bathroom trips, there’s an odd hesitancy I don’t know quite what to make of. At times, I get him to the front room and he just stalls. So I end up carrying him if gently nudging doesn’t work. Once outside, it’s hit or miss if he will continue on his own. This evening, with one small nudge, he went and took care of his business and then hopped all the way back, drank some water and then…stalled in the living room like he was uncertain as to what to do next. It’s a little goofy. But then we get into my bedroom and he went exactly where he always goes so…I think this is just probably one of those things you write off as “it’s the first few days post surgery, things are odd.”

-He’s eating without any problems. Water is another curiosity. Not in whether or not he’ll take it, but I got him a lifted up bowl and he keeps bypassing it and going for the lowered ones the other pups are using. I imagine he’s just not used to that and will eventually adapt to it as we go along.

-Tomorrow is bandage check number 2. These makes me exceedingly nervous because part of how we got to this point is his biopsy wound went catastrophic on us no matter what we did to try to turn the tide. So I’m always worried  – it’s Schrödinger Incision, both perfect and not, right?

I think my biggest struggle right now is to keep everything in front of me and not look too far down the road. It’ll be better in a few weeks and months, and yes that’s a massive relief but it’s making me get frustrated and maybe overly worried about small set backs or reversions or just days when he isn’t feeling that three days ago he lost something he’s had with him for nine years. It’s a constant message to myself that recovery isn’t a straight line and we still are traveling. I love this boy a whole lot and just want him to feel like his old goofy, scheming self again, but…patience. That’s my constant conversation with myself. I’m sure I’ll have it a dozen more times.

Until then, well, he will do his own thing like he always does. It’s why he’s my Best Boy.

This won’t be an every day thing, but for the days in this journey where it matters – perhaps the first two weeks or until a sense of normalcy for all of us returns, this allows me to speak aloud.

The things about my Oliver is that he’s always been the coolest pup in any room.I had a Husky who passed away in June (yeah, it’s been that kind of a summer) named Jackson. He was such a sweet lover boy, but he was honestly dumb as a rock. I used to say that Jack and Ollie were Pinky and The Brain. My dumb but lovable Husky and my obstinate, always up to something Hound.

Point is, this is a weird situation because right now, everything has changed for him. He’s injured and tired. He’s sore and has been for awhile and then one day, he’s missing something he’s had for almost nine years and it’s all got to be a little confusing and disorientating for him right now.

But remember how I said he’s obstinate, well, I think that’s a theme today.

So, day three:

Wins: Got up several times to go get water. Made it across the room on multiple occasions. Had his first incision check and got a thumbs up on it. Did his first post surgery poop.

Some observations:

-His pain management seems to be going well enough, I suppose. Still waiting a replacement for Tramadol, but in the meanwhile, I cut it out. He seems to be doing ok, but I’d like to ensure I have proper meds available to me in case he is hurting enough to actually tell me.

-Today was the bandage check day. My vet, who was amazing with the surgery and talking to me and really reassuring me, probably could have done post-op instructions better. But it was late and I had a paper with what seemed like really important ones. But…this was an important one (at least for me) and I’m kind of glad I listened to the anxious voice in my head. See, the implication was that I could remove his bandages myself, but this morning when I was changing out his tee (I noticed he peed the bottom of it), I saw just the edge of the bandage and it had dried blood on it and my thought was…I don’t wanna be the one pulling this away from the wound. So I called over and they said come in. I did and they checked the incision and then re-bandaged him. And told me they would like me to come in every two days for between the next 4-6 days to re-bandage unless it was apparent the incision no longer needs to be covered. There’s some small seepage but nothing major – it’s more just ensuring that everything stays clean and protected. Considering the massive fight I had with Oliver to keep his biopsy incision clean, I’m pretty much okay with this. Regardless, short story is: on O+2, the incision is looking exactly as it’s supposed to so win.

-He ate his breakfast this morning and did his business and again, bathroom watching is weird.

-Halfway through the morning, Ollie decided he was sick of being locked in my room and hopped over to the door. I expected he wanted to go pee, but once out of the room, before I could stop him, he hopped up on the couch and rather inelegantly tossed himself down. He was entirely unimpressed with me telling him he’s not supposed to be doing that. Then, he went to sleep.

-When he woke up, it was Kong time. All my lads love them. But it’s a bit more of a headache for Ollie now. Ah, but challenges are meant to be conquered. We rigged first a candle and then a pillow system to backstop the Kong so he could work on it without getting frustrated by no grip.

-When we went to the vet, suddenly he was hopping all over the place. It’s pretty amazing.

-At home, he’s a bit slower and more cautious. He’s struggling the most to stand up out of a down position and then to get going again after he’s stopped himself from hopping. He’s seeming to be teaching himself crouches and ways of sitting down which are more comfortable for him.

Overall, I’m thrilled with his O+2 day progress. Most of it doesn’t seem like much – he’s hopping a few feet across a room. But it’s big for me and every time I see him conquer another step, I have this warm kind of flush about it. How resilient and obstinate and determined my little boy.

I know there will be harder days; there are in all things worth doing. That said, I am thankful that 48 hours into recovery, I have tremendous hope instead of despair and grief. Onwards.